You’ve had a great idea percolating in your mind for quite some time. The moment comes to finally put your idea into action and create and a looming, very familiar voice rises up from within you. “What are you thinking? You can’t do this. Who do you think you are?” Your inner bully has shown up on the scene and all of a sudden, you’re frozen with fear, unable to move forward and get that awesome idea out into the world. Maybe it would be best if you give it another attempt tomorrow…
Does this experience sound familiar? It’s definitely happened to me many times and once I lose momentum, it can be difficult to recover and get my feet back under me again. Fortunately, while the voice of the bully still shows up from time to time, a kinder voice can also surface. This presence has been cultivated within me, especially over the past year and is the voice of my inner coach. As you can imagine, the voice of the inner coach is much different from that of the bully. While the bully is a presence that attempts to put a roadblock in front of our pursuits, the coach will be standing by us, supporting us, helping us remain accountable to our pursuits. Where the inner bully leaves me with a sense of defeat and unworthiness, the inner coach helps me remain in a place of inspiration while steering my ship to create the life and things I desire for myself.
The Protector/Vulnerable Dynamic
Creating and sharing your voice with the world can feel incredibly vulnerable, especially if you’re at all worried what others think of you. This tender vulnerability inside of us is rooted in the *Feminine (see note below). If this aspect of you does not feel safe, it will be very difficult to do what you feel called to do in this life. To feel safe, you must have a strong inner protector. To understand this dynamic inside of you, it may be helpful to think back to when you were a child. When we are children, we are in the feminine because we are dependent on someone else. Our parents are in the masculine since they provide for and care for us. They are our first experience of the protector. If you had a happy, healthy, and safe experience in the home as a child, your relationship to the masculine will be different compared to someone whose home life was unstable and unsafe. If left unresolved, these woundings will follow us through into adulthood and become part of our conditioned response to the world around us. To heal this aspect of ourselves, we need to establish a healthy relationship with our inner masculine.
My Journey of Healing the Masculine Within
I was an incredibly sensitive and creative child. I loved to play and explore the unseen world. My connection to the Feminine was very strong and part of my natural wiring. I also enjoyed the company of girls to boys because I felt safe with them. Boys were often the rough and tumble type who were into wrestling and sports – things I would shy away from. Because of this, I was the perfect target for bullies. I was often teased, called derogatory names, and made to feel small because I was not like them. These experiences caused me to contract and develop a deep mistrust for anything the world deemed as manly or masculine. As I grew into adulthood, whenever I was in the company of other men, I would begin to tense. I didn’t feel safe. To make matters worse, I realized in my teens that I wasn’t like other boys and at the age of 19, concluded I was gay. I didn’t want to be gay. I wanted to be “normal” or whatever I thought normal meant. And so, upon finishing my second year of university, I dropped out and went on a journey of self-acceptance and healing and a big part of that healing began when I discovered yoga and meditation. Little did I know at that time, how much these modalities would shift my perception of my inner and outer worlds while at the same time helping to re-kindle a relationship with that sensitive little boy inside who loved to play and dance.
Flash forward to 2018 when I began studying Tantra and learning about energetic polarities. Through my studies, I learned what it meant to be feminine and masculine within and out in the world. I also learned that to come into balance, I would have to strengthen and heal the part of me that needed care. For me, it was the masculine side. I had to move beyond the unhealthy patterns and step into what was truly masculine. In doing this work, I encountered many men who were healthy masculine role models for me – teachers, coaches, and friends. By simply being in their presence, I began to heal and started to trust the masculine. I also began a consistent strength training practice which gave me elevated levels of testosterone and increased confidence. These two things working inside me allowed me to take more leaps of faith, take action in my life, and become my own best protector and coach. Thanks to the meditative mindset I developed through yoga and meditation, I am able to tune in to that inner voice, sensing the qualities of it. When I hear it, how do I feel? Do I feel motivated to carry on or do I feel a looming sense of defeat? It can be quick so the key is to be paying attention and pull the attention inside.
I’d like to add that to keep that healthy masculine voice strong inside, I can’t stress the importance of self-care enough. By giving yourself what you need, you are honouring the voice of the feminine within you. Your actions in the masculine are taking care of her, thereby strengthening the connection between them.
Next Steps
To read and philosophize about anything written here is one thing. We can mull over an idea, contemplate, reflect, or perhaps bring it inside to see what lands, what fits, what resonates, and even ideas that don’t land and can be tossed. If you feel called to do so, maybe the next step is to take action in your life to address those internal areas of coach and bully. What’s your relationship/experience with this dynamic? How are you moving forward in your own life to create what you truly desire for yourself? What’s been keeping you stuck? If those barriers weren’t in the way, how might your experience be different? I love having conversations with people about this. If this sounds like something you'd like to go deeper with, drop me a line and let’s have a chit chat!
Wishing you an amazing day. And when the time comes for you to step into the arena of your life and do the thing, whatever that might be, may your inner coach shine brightly. Until next time!
Much love,
~ Tim
* The Note Below: The nature of Masculine & Feminine are divine energies which are beyond our stereotypical, societal constructs of Masculine & Feminine. Masculine does not mean burly and dominating. Feminine does not mean weak and submissive or wearing make-up and dresses. The poles of Masculine & Feminine dance together in harmony, both strong in their own unique ways, both needed for balance. When these energies flow in a healthy way within us, life is joyful. If they aren’t, we feel stagnant, lost, and perhaps constantly beating ourselves up. To address them for the purposes of this article and my work in Tantra, I will use he and her using a different lens on an inner reality of polarities as opposed to our modern language and discussions on gender and gender identity.
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